So those of you who see me everyday are more aware of this than those of you who are farther away. I haven't been myself lately. I don't know if I can pin-point why that is, or when it happened, but it has become very evident that something hasn't quite right these past few days. So I've been taking lots of me time to start making it better. It was pointed out to me by several people I'm very close with that I haven't really slowed down since June. These past few weeks I haven't had any trips to prepare for or go on, so I've had more time to just 'be.' And while that has been great my thoughts have had the time to catch up with me. Needless to say there is a lot going on in my head these days!
I was able to take a couple days off from work so that I could do nothing. I had no idea what to do with myself. So I did laundry. The monotonous job can really do wonders sometimes! Laundry and dishes are really soothing to me these days. During those two days and the monotonous work I was able to do a lot of thinking things through which was really good for me.
I am doing better now and at least from my perspective I think I'm becoming the normal 'me' again, whoever that might be. I'm able to laugh with my friends and have a good time. I haven't been able to do that for awhile. Now it seems I can't stop! The other night we were all invited to dinner at a friend's house and Beth, Meghan and I played Dutch Blitz...well, kind of. We started out playing the actual card game and then before long a new game emerged. The rules of the new version were simple: throw all the cards at one another and see what happens! We were all laughing so hard and we couldn't stop! It was amazing. We all laughed the deep belly laugh that doesn't always come out.
My strange mood could be partly due to many things. The colder weather settling in all around us, the time change making it dark by the time we get home, the upcoming holiday season and wishing it was here now. Who knows. But I do know that I am doing better. And that makes me happy. This most recent change gives me something to hold on to.
Here's something I wrote several years ago. I think it's quite fitting for this stage of my life too.
"Even through the darkness there is light around the corner just waiting to be seen...it's just a matter of finding it and feeling it's warm glow upon your heart."
I'm getting closer to that light. I'm feeling warmer every day. It's a wonderful feeling. But at the same time I won't forget what I've gone through because I need to process it and learn from it. And that's what I intend to do.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
The Red Tree
The Red Tree by Shaun Tan
sometimes the day begins
with nothing to look forward to
and things go from bad to worse
darkness overcomes you
nobody understands
the world is a deaf machine
without sense or reason
sometimes you wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
but nothing ever happens
then all your troubles come at once
wonderful things are passing you by
terrible fates are inevitable
sometimes you just don't know what you are supposed to do
or
who you are meant to be
or
where you are
and the day seems to end the way it began
but suddenly there it is right in front of you
bright and vivid
quietly waiting
just as you imagined it would be
This children's book was handed to me this morning by one of the girls in my office. When I oppened it I had no idea what the story line would be. I found that the story resonated with me more than I thought possible.
I'm looking for my 'red tree.'
sometimes the day begins
with nothing to look forward to
and things go from bad to worse
darkness overcomes you
nobody understands
the world is a deaf machine
without sense or reason
sometimes you wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
but nothing ever happens
then all your troubles come at once
wonderful things are passing you by
terrible fates are inevitable
sometimes you just don't know what you are supposed to do
or
who you are meant to be
or
where you are
and the day seems to end the way it began
but suddenly there it is right in front of you
bright and vivid
quietly waiting
just as you imagined it would be
This children's book was handed to me this morning by one of the girls in my office. When I oppened it I had no idea what the story line would be. I found that the story resonated with me more than I thought possible.
I'm looking for my 'red tree.'
Saturday, November 15, 2008
A Good Tired
I'm tired. But it's a good tired.
Today I got up early to brave the cold and the wind and collect seeds for a local preserve who is working to replant prairie around here. Here is what I experienced in a nut shell.
Prairie grasses do block the wind to a degree, but the grasses also get in your face, poke your eyes and go up your nose.
Mountain Mint, Nodding Wild Onion, and Drop Seed are all plants that are native to a prairie ecosystem and they all have really tiny seeds.
When in the prairie it is possible to see lots of deer and pick out a flock of cranes flying overhead.
It is possible to lose yourself in the middle of a sea of golden grass that is taller than your head.
I'm really good at focusing on finding one plant species...until I'm not. My short attention span gets in the way! And when you're out in the prairie there are dozens of plants surrounding you all the time and it's easy to lose focus! And then my mind starts to wander and then I forget what I'm doing and then I remember and have to retrain my eyes for the one kind of plant I'm looking for.
Being in the middle of a prairie only 30 minutes from Chicago is totally possible. And with the exception of the traffic pollution, you think that you're in the middle of no where. It's amazing.
Looking up and realizing you can't see anyone in your work group anymore is a semi nerve wracking event.
Spending a day with my Frisbee friends outside of actually playing Frisbee is a wonderful thing and I hope to keep it up!
Going out into a large field, getting outside, enjoying a brisk fall/winter morning, becoming one with nature, collecting seeds that will go to restart another prairie, is an awesome thing.
Today I got up early to brave the cold and the wind and collect seeds for a local preserve who is working to replant prairie around here. Here is what I experienced in a nut shell.
Prairie grasses do block the wind to a degree, but the grasses also get in your face, poke your eyes and go up your nose.
Mountain Mint, Nodding Wild Onion, and Drop Seed are all plants that are native to a prairie ecosystem and they all have really tiny seeds.
When in the prairie it is possible to see lots of deer and pick out a flock of cranes flying overhead.
It is possible to lose yourself in the middle of a sea of golden grass that is taller than your head.
I'm really good at focusing on finding one plant species...until I'm not. My short attention span gets in the way! And when you're out in the prairie there are dozens of plants surrounding you all the time and it's easy to lose focus! And then my mind starts to wander and then I forget what I'm doing and then I remember and have to retrain my eyes for the one kind of plant I'm looking for.
Being in the middle of a prairie only 30 minutes from Chicago is totally possible. And with the exception of the traffic pollution, you think that you're in the middle of no where. It's amazing.
Looking up and realizing you can't see anyone in your work group anymore is a semi nerve wracking event.
Spending a day with my Frisbee friends outside of actually playing Frisbee is a wonderful thing and I hope to keep it up!
Going out into a large field, getting outside, enjoying a brisk fall/winter morning, becoming one with nature, collecting seeds that will go to restart another prairie, is an awesome thing.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I Need a Hobby
I have decided that I need a hobby.
Now-a-days it is getting dark really early and it will soon be consistently cold and snowy and gray outside most days. A typical day for me is to come to work until 4:30 and then head to the Y before having dinner with the girls. It's a great routine until I get to the after dinner hours. I have found that I have nothing constructive to do. I'll just go and sit at my computer in the hopes that someone will have e-mailed me or started chatting with me online. I don't like this b/c I spend my days at work sitting in front of a computer and I want to get away from it in the evenings. This is hard to do when there isn't anything else to do!
So I have decided that I need a hobby. Something to do that is somewhat constructive, but at the same times allows me to escape into myself and just be.
So yes, I need a hobby (or two). Any suggestions?
Now-a-days it is getting dark really early and it will soon be consistently cold and snowy and gray outside most days. A typical day for me is to come to work until 4:30 and then head to the Y before having dinner with the girls. It's a great routine until I get to the after dinner hours. I have found that I have nothing constructive to do. I'll just go and sit at my computer in the hopes that someone will have e-mailed me or started chatting with me online. I don't like this b/c I spend my days at work sitting in front of a computer and I want to get away from it in the evenings. This is hard to do when there isn't anything else to do!
So I have decided that I need a hobby. Something to do that is somewhat constructive, but at the same times allows me to escape into myself and just be.
So yes, I need a hobby (or two). Any suggestions?
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Food for Thought
So I just got back from a youth retreat with several of the youth from Highland Avenue and I have a few random thoughts I'd like to share; some things I've been thinking about!
First, it was really cool for me to spend the weekend with Laura, Nate and Carson, three youth from HACoB. It was one of the first times that I've been able to have one on one time with them and it was really great! Great for all of us I think!
On the first night we were asked to come up with a three word biography for ourselves. Here's mine: Relationships, Service, Questioning
So you know how everyone says that it's always better to give rather than receive? Well what happens if you give and give and give and you get nothing in return? I'm all for giving of myself, but if you're always giving it's really quite exhausting. It's just an interesting concept, that I agree with, but at the same time struggle with.
Andy and Terry Murray gave a concert this weekend and their songs always speak to me. I didn't grow up listening to their music, but now that I do, it's a great thing. Some of my favorites are Goodbye Still Night, Brave Man from Ohio, and One Person at a Time. Each of these songs give me hope while also helping to ask the tough questions of what I think and believe.
Goodbye Still Night:
"Power to live. Courage to fly. Goodbye still night. We're watching the sun come up from the mountain. Standing stright up to life. Lookin it in the eye. Stretchin our arms out. Shakin hands with the sky. Filling up our cup at the crystal fountain."
Brave Man from Ohio:
"Of how he dreamed of a peaceful world, where life would be sweet and good. Oh, I'm not afraid to be here friends, I'm not afraid to die. I just can't shake this feeling inside we can live together if we try. Give me a shovel instead of a gun, lend me a hand for now. And if we die we'll die makin somethin' instead of tearin somethin down."
One Person at a Time:
"Oh the world's so big and I'm so small. It hardly seems I matter at all. Sometimes I think I'd like to do something to help out with all the problems of the world but whenever I sit down and think it through I always wonder what can one person do? "
One final thing. I think about the idea of memories all the time. Sometimes, I want to be able to write everything down and record it so that it is preserved forever. Then other times I realize that our mind works in such a way that it already is preserved. I love the fact that I'll be talking to someone, or listening to them, and through that conversation a memory will come to the front of my mind which then leads to many other memories. For example, on Friday as we were driving to Peoria to the youth retreat Laura was trying so hard to remember a camp song. Once she did I realized that I knew it and we started to sing it together. As a result of that, I began to think back to my summer at Camp Swatara where I had learned that song. And then I began to think about the people I worked with and the awesome summer that I had. A specific memory came to mind, one where all of the summer staff was walking to family camp for church one Sunday morning at the beginning of the summer and we sang this song. The only thing was at that time I didn't even know the song really well to be able to join in. But I was able to enjoy the rest of the group singing. I really enjoy it when I think of things I hadn't thought of in awhile (especially when it's a good thing!). It's fun to take a walk down memory lane as they say.
First, it was really cool for me to spend the weekend with Laura, Nate and Carson, three youth from HACoB. It was one of the first times that I've been able to have one on one time with them and it was really great! Great for all of us I think!
On the first night we were asked to come up with a three word biography for ourselves. Here's mine: Relationships, Service, Questioning
So you know how everyone says that it's always better to give rather than receive? Well what happens if you give and give and give and you get nothing in return? I'm all for giving of myself, but if you're always giving it's really quite exhausting. It's just an interesting concept, that I agree with, but at the same time struggle with.
Andy and Terry Murray gave a concert this weekend and their songs always speak to me. I didn't grow up listening to their music, but now that I do, it's a great thing. Some of my favorites are Goodbye Still Night, Brave Man from Ohio, and One Person at a Time. Each of these songs give me hope while also helping to ask the tough questions of what I think and believe.
Goodbye Still Night:
"Power to live. Courage to fly. Goodbye still night. We're watching the sun come up from the mountain. Standing stright up to life. Lookin it in the eye. Stretchin our arms out. Shakin hands with the sky. Filling up our cup at the crystal fountain."
Brave Man from Ohio:
"Of how he dreamed of a peaceful world, where life would be sweet and good. Oh, I'm not afraid to be here friends, I'm not afraid to die. I just can't shake this feeling inside we can live together if we try. Give me a shovel instead of a gun, lend me a hand for now. And if we die we'll die makin somethin' instead of tearin somethin down."
One Person at a Time:
"Oh the world's so big and I'm so small. It hardly seems I matter at all. Sometimes I think I'd like to do something to help out with all the problems of the world but whenever I sit down and think it through I always wonder what can one person do? "
One final thing. I think about the idea of memories all the time. Sometimes, I want to be able to write everything down and record it so that it is preserved forever. Then other times I realize that our mind works in such a way that it already is preserved. I love the fact that I'll be talking to someone, or listening to them, and through that conversation a memory will come to the front of my mind which then leads to many other memories. For example, on Friday as we were driving to Peoria to the youth retreat Laura was trying so hard to remember a camp song. Once she did I realized that I knew it and we started to sing it together. As a result of that, I began to think back to my summer at Camp Swatara where I had learned that song. And then I began to think about the people I worked with and the awesome summer that I had. A specific memory came to mind, one where all of the summer staff was walking to family camp for church one Sunday morning at the beginning of the summer and we sang this song. The only thing was at that time I didn't even know the song really well to be able to join in. But I was able to enjoy the rest of the group singing. I really enjoy it when I think of things I hadn't thought of in awhile (especially when it's a good thing!). It's fun to take a walk down memory lane as they say.
Friday, November 7, 2008
A Bit of Jazz
So for the first time in my life I think, I've actually wanted to listen to jazz music! It's funny for me to say that because I've been listening to jazz for years. My brother, Leroy, is a musician (and a pretty good one at that!) and growing up I always had to go to his jazz concerts. Now granted they have gotten much better and much more enjoyable over the years, it's just that jazz wasn't my thing.
So last night I was sitting in my room listening to music on my computer and a song by Thelonius Monk came on. Without realizing it I begain moving my head along with the beat and tapping my toes on the floor. Eventually I stopped what I was doing because it became apparent that I was in the mood for some jazz! So I took a second to make it so that my computer would only play jazz music.
Then this morning while I was getting ready for work I turned the jazz music on again! And now I'm rocking out to it here at work! I guess it's a jazz kind of day!
So last night I was sitting in my room listening to music on my computer and a song by Thelonius Monk came on. Without realizing it I begain moving my head along with the beat and tapping my toes on the floor. Eventually I stopped what I was doing because it became apparent that I was in the mood for some jazz! So I took a second to make it so that my computer would only play jazz music.
Then this morning while I was getting ready for work I turned the jazz music on again! And now I'm rocking out to it here at work! I guess it's a jazz kind of day!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Hello November!
Happy November! Here in Elgin we brought in the new month with a house full of friends and family! One of the BVS House traditions is to have a Halloween Party and invite people from the offices and from church and so we threw in a handful of our friends to that bunch! For our party we had a music theme and all of us girls picked different music genres to dress up as. I represented 'classical music' so I was a maestro for the evening. I wore a black dress suit complete with a bow tie and a conductors baton. My hair was done up in a crazy up-do for the night, which let me tell you was a painful process! I hardly ever do anything with my hair...it's either up, or it's down.
Other music genres represented were jazz, musicals, punk rock, rap, and disco. We asked our guests to come dressed as something musical and they sure did step up to the challenge! One of our friends came dressed as a microphone! It was amazing! It was a fun night of laughter, LOTS of food and tons of fun to say the least!
We had four friends who came into town for the weekend, mostly for the party, but also just to come and visit! On Saturday most of the housemates went into Chicago to see the musical Wicked (which was fitting because two of them dressed up as characters from Wicked for Halloween!) and had a great outing to the city. I on the other hand chose to stay at home and relax with my friend Amber and we had a fun day of our own watching movies, playing Frisbee and babysitting. Well, I guess maybe it wasn't relaxing, but it sure was fun!
As the weekend went on, it became more apparent to me just how tired I was. I worked to find a few minutes here and there to go down to my room and to just sit and 'be,' which was a good thing for me to do. To put it plain and simple: I was peopled out. It's hard work traveling from place to place and always putting on a happy face and being social all the time. Even in the homes that I was put up in while traveling, that takes work too! And then to come back to a house full of people to entertain, as happy as I was that they were all there, it was still exhausting! But I wouldn't trade it for the world!
After all the traveling I've done these past two months it is really nice to be back in the office for longer than a few days. This is my first full week in the BVS office since I started here back in September! How crazy is that!? It is also a bit overwhelming since I'm not used to being in the office...I'm not quite sure what to do with myself!
I realized something interesting this morning. I went over to talk to Dana as I do most days (yes, believe it or not, we do get work done) and she was working on a worship service and was a bit stuck on what to do with it. So I asked her what she had so far and as she was telling me my mind started to fill with ideas that she might be able to use. My realization is that I really enjoy doing that kind of creative thinking. But then again I also just love working with Dana! We both think in different ways, but it's great because together we can come up with some pretty great stuff!
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I really would like to get in touch again with my degree in Environmental Science. And wouldn't you know an opportunity has come my way! I met this guy, Ryan, while playing Frisbee here and he works for the Audubon Society. Typically I don't see my Frisbee friends outside of our weekly disc times but yesterday Ryan was here in the offices because he is going to give ideas and suggestions to our grounds manager about bringing in some native vegetation on our property. So Ryan and I got to talking a bit and he was telling me about some up coming opportunities to help re-seed some areas around here to go back to the natural prairie habitat that used to cover this area entirely. So I think I'm gonna try to do some of that volunteer work on Saturdays when I'm able to and I'm really excited about that!
Other music genres represented were jazz, musicals, punk rock, rap, and disco. We asked our guests to come dressed as something musical and they sure did step up to the challenge! One of our friends came dressed as a microphone! It was amazing! It was a fun night of laughter, LOTS of food and tons of fun to say the least!
We had four friends who came into town for the weekend, mostly for the party, but also just to come and visit! On Saturday most of the housemates went into Chicago to see the musical Wicked (which was fitting because two of them dressed up as characters from Wicked for Halloween!) and had a great outing to the city. I on the other hand chose to stay at home and relax with my friend Amber and we had a fun day of our own watching movies, playing Frisbee and babysitting. Well, I guess maybe it wasn't relaxing, but it sure was fun!
As the weekend went on, it became more apparent to me just how tired I was. I worked to find a few minutes here and there to go down to my room and to just sit and 'be,' which was a good thing for me to do. To put it plain and simple: I was peopled out. It's hard work traveling from place to place and always putting on a happy face and being social all the time. Even in the homes that I was put up in while traveling, that takes work too! And then to come back to a house full of people to entertain, as happy as I was that they were all there, it was still exhausting! But I wouldn't trade it for the world!
After all the traveling I've done these past two months it is really nice to be back in the office for longer than a few days. This is my first full week in the BVS office since I started here back in September! How crazy is that!? It is also a bit overwhelming since I'm not used to being in the office...I'm not quite sure what to do with myself!
I realized something interesting this morning. I went over to talk to Dana as I do most days (yes, believe it or not, we do get work done) and she was working on a worship service and was a bit stuck on what to do with it. So I asked her what she had so far and as she was telling me my mind started to fill with ideas that she might be able to use. My realization is that I really enjoy doing that kind of creative thinking. But then again I also just love working with Dana! We both think in different ways, but it's great because together we can come up with some pretty great stuff!
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I really would like to get in touch again with my degree in Environmental Science. And wouldn't you know an opportunity has come my way! I met this guy, Ryan, while playing Frisbee here and he works for the Audubon Society. Typically I don't see my Frisbee friends outside of our weekly disc times but yesterday Ryan was here in the offices because he is going to give ideas and suggestions to our grounds manager about bringing in some native vegetation on our property. So Ryan and I got to talking a bit and he was telling me about some up coming opportunities to help re-seed some areas around here to go back to the natural prairie habitat that used to cover this area entirely. So I think I'm gonna try to do some of that volunteer work on Saturdays when I'm able to and I'm really excited about that!
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