So at work I typically turn on Pandora to play quietly in the background. The music helps me to focus on what it is I'm trying to do. Well it usually does anyway. So as part of Pandora you can share stations with friends and my good friend Beth created one based on the group A Fine Frenzy which I had never heard of before but whom I enjoy now. So I'll listen to them from time to time. I don't know why they came to mind, but their name just struck me as a good way to explain my life right now.
My life currently consists of a fine frenzy of events. I feel like I'm being pulled in twenty million different directions, some of which I can control and others that I cannot. I feel very emotionally bogged down. Lately I can't seem to find a happy medium of just that, being happy. I've got a lot going on that keeps my mind very occupied.
Everything from trying to figure out the secret to getting more people interested in spending a year doing voluntary services, to preparing myself mentally and physically to travel to Nigeria. I'm also struggling with how to have meaningful friendships with people who seem to want more than I am capable of giving them but who I do want to be friends with. It's not something that I'm used to dealing with.
I find myself day dreaming of the day when I can have my own place. It will be a bright and airy space, full of natural light during the day and energy efficient lighting during the evenings. A place where everyone is welcome, to come and visit and stay a day, or two or twenty. These are the things that you realize when living in community. I just said the other day that I was surprised at the great community that I found here and now I think that I take it for granted. It's hard sometimes to find a balance of being together in this house that sometimes seems like a sorority house (six girls living together), or retirement community (it's often that we all pull out the mind sharpening games and knitting/crocheting), or summer camp (gotta love those crazy fun games).
Life as I know it is crazy or mad, but it all is wonderful and I wouldn't trade these years for anything. It's hard to keep that in mind all the time, when things might not be going as well as maybe I think they should. But I also don't believe that things that are worth having come easy.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Almost Christmas
So it is almost Christmas and to me it feels as though it could be any other time of year. You know all those movies where the main story involves a couple trying to avoid Christmas? Well I feel the exact opposite. I want to enjoy Christmas, but I just can't seem to find it anywhere. Maybe that's because I've been traveling from place to place these past few weeks, I don't know. It's kind of depressing in many ways because I do enjoy Christmas so much.
This year in many ways I have been frustrated about what Christmas has come to mean. I think that we have become way too materialistic. But while I feel that way and I think that, I have found myself caught up in the hustle and bustle of buying gifts too. Not showing up empty handed, as though there is a standard that I need to keep. Where is the balance and how do I find it? I have an alternate gift idea for friends and family, but yet I don't think it's enough. Why is that? Why can't we simply give each other the gift of love and companionship and let that be enough?
~Sigh~
Well I figure that I still have some time for it to really feel like Christmas. It could be that tomorrow night during the Christmas eve service when I'm surrounded by friends and family and celebrating the birth of Christ that the meaning of the season will kick in, but it's hard to say.
This year in many ways I have been frustrated about what Christmas has come to mean. I think that we have become way too materialistic. But while I feel that way and I think that, I have found myself caught up in the hustle and bustle of buying gifts too. Not showing up empty handed, as though there is a standard that I need to keep. Where is the balance and how do I find it? I have an alternate gift idea for friends and family, but yet I don't think it's enough. Why is that? Why can't we simply give each other the gift of love and companionship and let that be enough?
~Sigh~
Well I figure that I still have some time for it to really feel like Christmas. It could be that tomorrow night during the Christmas eve service when I'm surrounded by friends and family and celebrating the birth of Christ that the meaning of the season will kick in, but it's hard to say.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Cat's Out of the Bag
So I've been planning for more than a month now to come out to Colorado to surprise one of my best friends. And here I sit in her apartment after arriving yesterday afternoon. Needless to say, she had no idea that I was coming! That's one nice thing about her parents living close by. They were able to pick me up and deliver me very easily and I was very thankful for that!
It's hard for me to believe that I'm really out here in Colorado, one of my favorite places, hanging out with one of my most favorite people in the world.
I always love the time I get to spend with Elizabeth. I forget when we're not together just how similar we are. We're both incredibly graceful (hahaha). We both love to be outdoors. We both love to travel and see new places. We both have no idea what we want to do with our lives but we know that we want what we do to make a difference. We can be ourselves around each other and talk about anything and everything and know that whatever we say, whatever we do, it will be okay. We're pretty lucky to have found each other way back when right after we both graduated high school and ended up at the same workcamp in Puerto Rico. I just don't know what I'd do without her!
It's hard for me to believe that I'm really out here in Colorado, one of my favorite places, hanging out with one of my most favorite people in the world.
I always love the time I get to spend with Elizabeth. I forget when we're not together just how similar we are. We're both incredibly graceful (hahaha). We both love to be outdoors. We both love to travel and see new places. We both have no idea what we want to do with our lives but we know that we want what we do to make a difference. We can be ourselves around each other and talk about anything and everything and know that whatever we say, whatever we do, it will be okay. We're pretty lucky to have found each other way back when right after we both graduated high school and ended up at the same workcamp in Puerto Rico. I just don't know what I'd do without her!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Blowin' in the Wind
For some reason this song has really struck a chord with me lately. So I thought I'd share!
"Blowin' In The Wind" (Bob Dylan)
How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Copyright ©1962; renewed 1990 Special Rider Music
"Blowin' In The Wind" (Bob Dylan)
How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Copyright ©1962; renewed 1990 Special Rider Music
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Snow
I love that when the weather here calls for snow that it does actually snow! Not like Virginia where they call for snow, and then school gets canceled because they think it's gonna be a big one and then it ends up being 60 degrees outside!
It's lovely when it's falling. As it glistens in the light. The way the wind makes it swirl to the ground. Wavy snowdrifts piling up all over the place in intricate patterns.
Pure white snow before it has been walked on or plowed is one of my favorite things. I don't consider there to be enough snow until the tips of the grasses are covered, which around here can take awhile because of all the longer grasses that grow.
I'm such a dork I know. But what can I say, I love the snow. I love to watch it fall. I love the silence it brings. Most of the people around here groan and say that I can have it all, that they don't want any of it! But I think it is absolutely beautiful.
I know that snow causes lots of problems, accidents on the roadways, extremely cold weather, but what can I say I'm an optimist when it comes to things such as snow. I'd rather focus on the pleasantries rather than some of the not so nice aspects.
It's a lesson that goes way beyond snow, but still, what else can I say other than I love snow!
It's lovely when it's falling. As it glistens in the light. The way the wind makes it swirl to the ground. Wavy snowdrifts piling up all over the place in intricate patterns.
Pure white snow before it has been walked on or plowed is one of my favorite things. I don't consider there to be enough snow until the tips of the grasses are covered, which around here can take awhile because of all the longer grasses that grow.
I'm such a dork I know. But what can I say, I love the snow. I love to watch it fall. I love the silence it brings. Most of the people around here groan and say that I can have it all, that they don't want any of it! But I think it is absolutely beautiful.
I know that snow causes lots of problems, accidents on the roadways, extremely cold weather, but what can I say I'm an optimist when it comes to things such as snow. I'd rather focus on the pleasantries rather than some of the not so nice aspects.
It's a lesson that goes way beyond snow, but still, what else can I say other than I love snow!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Likes
One of my good friends takes time most everyday to write down the good parts of the day. I think it's a great thing to do. Helps me to find the good things in life, both large and small, so I think I might do this from time to time...hope she doesn't mind! :)
Things I like:
riding the train, creating ice skating routines with my little cousins, baking Christmas cookies, waking up with a cat sleeping at my feet, SNOW!, the blooming rose bush in my office, curling up in a giant arm chair with a blanket and a good book, making Amish Friendship Bread, eating grilled cheese sandwiches grilled to perfection,
Monday, November 24, 2008
Me Time
So those of you who see me everyday are more aware of this than those of you who are farther away. I haven't been myself lately. I don't know if I can pin-point why that is, or when it happened, but it has become very evident that something hasn't quite right these past few days. So I've been taking lots of me time to start making it better. It was pointed out to me by several people I'm very close with that I haven't really slowed down since June. These past few weeks I haven't had any trips to prepare for or go on, so I've had more time to just 'be.' And while that has been great my thoughts have had the time to catch up with me. Needless to say there is a lot going on in my head these days!
I was able to take a couple days off from work so that I could do nothing. I had no idea what to do with myself. So I did laundry. The monotonous job can really do wonders sometimes! Laundry and dishes are really soothing to me these days. During those two days and the monotonous work I was able to do a lot of thinking things through which was really good for me.
I am doing better now and at least from my perspective I think I'm becoming the normal 'me' again, whoever that might be. I'm able to laugh with my friends and have a good time. I haven't been able to do that for awhile. Now it seems I can't stop! The other night we were all invited to dinner at a friend's house and Beth, Meghan and I played Dutch Blitz...well, kind of. We started out playing the actual card game and then before long a new game emerged. The rules of the new version were simple: throw all the cards at one another and see what happens! We were all laughing so hard and we couldn't stop! It was amazing. We all laughed the deep belly laugh that doesn't always come out.
My strange mood could be partly due to many things. The colder weather settling in all around us, the time change making it dark by the time we get home, the upcoming holiday season and wishing it was here now. Who knows. But I do know that I am doing better. And that makes me happy. This most recent change gives me something to hold on to.
Here's something I wrote several years ago. I think it's quite fitting for this stage of my life too.
"Even through the darkness there is light around the corner just waiting to be seen...it's just a matter of finding it and feeling it's warm glow upon your heart."
I'm getting closer to that light. I'm feeling warmer every day. It's a wonderful feeling. But at the same time I won't forget what I've gone through because I need to process it and learn from it. And that's what I intend to do.
I was able to take a couple days off from work so that I could do nothing. I had no idea what to do with myself. So I did laundry. The monotonous job can really do wonders sometimes! Laundry and dishes are really soothing to me these days. During those two days and the monotonous work I was able to do a lot of thinking things through which was really good for me.
I am doing better now and at least from my perspective I think I'm becoming the normal 'me' again, whoever that might be. I'm able to laugh with my friends and have a good time. I haven't been able to do that for awhile. Now it seems I can't stop! The other night we were all invited to dinner at a friend's house and Beth, Meghan and I played Dutch Blitz...well, kind of. We started out playing the actual card game and then before long a new game emerged. The rules of the new version were simple: throw all the cards at one another and see what happens! We were all laughing so hard and we couldn't stop! It was amazing. We all laughed the deep belly laugh that doesn't always come out.
My strange mood could be partly due to many things. The colder weather settling in all around us, the time change making it dark by the time we get home, the upcoming holiday season and wishing it was here now. Who knows. But I do know that I am doing better. And that makes me happy. This most recent change gives me something to hold on to.
Here's something I wrote several years ago. I think it's quite fitting for this stage of my life too.
"Even through the darkness there is light around the corner just waiting to be seen...it's just a matter of finding it and feeling it's warm glow upon your heart."
I'm getting closer to that light. I'm feeling warmer every day. It's a wonderful feeling. But at the same time I won't forget what I've gone through because I need to process it and learn from it. And that's what I intend to do.
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